· There is this common trend in how some African American women choose and pick their men. From Analyzing black literature you can see black women pursuing men who they know do not meet their standards. In waiting to Exhale we can see this stereotypical strong black woman, and her self crushing love displayed by the character Robin in the popular Terry McMillan novel, Waiting to Exhale. This is a successful educated woman, who is looking for the ideal man to complete her and bring her joy, which she cannot find, and has an undercover relationship with Russell who already was proven to be a guy with many red flags in the beginning. “When I first met Russell, he was living with some woman in this super deluxe apartment complex, but he came home from work one day and she had moved out, and took everything. I was tired of laying low, and sneaking. Tired of him getting up in the middle of the night to go home, and really tired of not being able to call him except when she was out of town….I Went over a few times but I never slept with him in their bed. “ These are some examples of how these women know for themselves that these men are no good from the beginning and continues to pursue them. Going to great lengths to provide and help, that they handicap themselves emotionally, financially, and psychologically.
-La'Kendra Curry
ReplyDeleteDo I think Strong Black Women chase the wrong type of men? Defiantly not! Reasons being that contrary to popular believe, I still think that the strong black woman is a good thing and when you know your worth and have no intention of lowering your standards because then the possibility of you even giving the “wrong man” the time of day is slim to none. In my opinion, your standards should be set in stone with no room for compromise. I honestly don’t think that there’s any such thing as the ‘wrong man’; I just think that there’s a such thing as the wrong man for you. Just because a man doesn’t necessarily meet your standards doesn’t mean that he doesn’t exceed someone else’s. So again to address the question “Do I think Strong Black Women chase the wrong type of men?” The answer is no, simply because Strong Black Women don’t chase!
Alexa MacKenzie
ReplyDeleteI don't believe the strong black women chases after wrong types of men because your type is up to the individual. They may make mistakes is judgement but it doesn't make you any lesser because the man didn't live up to your standards. Who cares what anyone else thinks anyways, if you're happy with who your with then you shouldn't care if they may not be the "right kind of man." People put to much pressure on relationships, they don't have to be that complicated all of the time.
-Jasmin Faust
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing you want to know whether or not the stereotypical SBW chase after the wrong type of men, and I do not agree. I don't no any women that purposefully goes after the "red flag" man with the intent of making it last forever. I have always felt that if he will cheat on her for me it's no way in hell he won't do the same thing to me. But if he's feeding you hopes and dreams something that your not used to it can be easy to get overly involved. I think that solely has everything to do with emotions something that no one can control. It's always easier to say what you will and won't do unless your in the situation yourself. At the end of the day everyone wants to find true love without being hurt so who would intentionally go after the wrong man?
India Williams
ReplyDeleteI do not feel that it is a bad thing to have standards regardless of what kind of person you are assumed to be (ie. a strong black woman). But when a woman lowers those standards, I feel that it just makes her desperate and just in need of a man. Why pursue a man and set yourself back from getting where you need to be? Like Robin she was doing so much for Russell and in the end her efforts burned her. She borrowed money from her parents to take care of his issues among many other things. When she meets Michael, although she has to learn to be attracted to him, he is able to provide for her and give her the security and protection that all women look for in a man. I think that many women go for looks first and sometimes that good looking man has nothing more to offer than those good looks. Just like another character Gloria who had sex with a good looking basketball player, got pregnant, and now has to deal with her almost adult son having "daddy issues." The fact that some women feel as if they need man to feel "whole" is something that I think that leads to insecurity with themselves. Some women need to learn that they need to love themselves and learn to be by themselves because if a man knows that you "need" them then they will run all over you. A man should never be a need, but a want and he should always be aware that life does go on with our without him in her life. Whether the woman is "strong" or not, she should never chase a man or go looking for one but let a man find her.
Laquita powell
ReplyDeleteI personally feel that the strong black woman standards are so high that the woman don’t end up chasing the wrong man they actual end up alone and bitter,because for one if you a SBW you don’t have time to chase no man, and you feel like you deserve the best. But you don’t necessarily have to be strong to realize that a man is not a need that he is simply a want and a compliment to her life. So to answer the question I don’t believe that strong black woman chase men .i believe a SBW is willing to help and better a man but they won’t be looking for a man who doesn’t fit their standards or at least very close to them.
Althea Daley
ReplyDeleteI feel as though the type of women that chase after these types of men and stay with them are weak minded individuals who have self-esteem issues. I don't believe it is a characteristic of the strong black woman. Robin's relationship with Russell is not anything that mirrors that of a strong Black woman, in my opinion. The common trend that you guys talk about in this blog isn't that of a strong Black woman and it isn't limited to the Black race alone. It is usually women who have their own internal issues stemming from family and childhood issues to personal self-identity struggles. Robin is the type of woman to depend on a man to make her happy and that isn’t something a strong Black woman with standards would embody. No sensible woman will chase after a man that is no good. More often than not they find out the man’s true colors after being in some kind of relationship and feelings are involved. By then it is too late for a woman to easily walk away.
Adrianne Carter
ReplyDeleteCertainly women chase after men that they are not compatible with. That sort of thing simply comes with being human. Each woman may have a type of man that he or she is attracted to, and if that particular type of man happens to be a trifling fool then she may end up single for a period of time. However there are certainly instances in waiting to exhale where the women are no good for the men. We learned in class that being an SBW is not always a good thing, some of these "stong" women chase men away on account of their strength; which unfortunately leaves them with the dregs of the male species. Each woman has her own preference and whether or not the man meets it is ultimately up to her, so to say that a man is bad for a woman is only a look at her reaction to the relationship and not the relationship itself.
-Kwame
ReplyDeleteYes i think this is a perfect example of a SBW chasing the wrong type of men. Those red flags were clearly there, and she knew what she was getting herself into from the beginning. The very start of their relationship could have told you where this was heading. She admitted Russell had problems, but she thought she could "Change Them!" If she had to alter his perception then obviously he wasnt the man for her. Because you cant change anyone and that where alot of women go wrong, thinking that they can change these men who are already set in stone of who they are, or want to be. Yes SBW feed into this type of behavior. And being a SBW is not always seen as a positive, because in many cases the things that make them strong are negative experiences that some learn form and other dont.
Hallie Bowns
ReplyDeleteDo strong black women chase after the wrong men? Well, for one thing, it's not just black women. It's women in general. When we get down to it, men want one thing and we all know what it is, but to an extent women want the same things. As we see in Waiting to Exhale, these women say they want true love, but ultimately what happens? They jump way ahead of things with crack heads, hot basketball players and the like and miss out on great opportunities with men that very well could have been Mr. Right. Women do this all the time. they see a man, get complemented by a man, get looked at by a man, and get all caught up in just that- the man. If he's attractive to that women, she will jump all over that and then fail to realize why she's still single. Love can be so complicated and painful. It involves so many risks and sometimes, women are just afraid to take those risks and out their hearts out on the line, so we do what all humans would do- enjoy the pleasures of life and push everything else aside. So do strong black women chase the wrong men? By all means, yes, but as do white women.
Laura Turner
ReplyDeleteIn regards to the idea that strong black women have a bad habit of chasing after the "wrong kind of man," I would have to say that this is all entirely opinion based and differs per individual. Just because you classify yourself (or can be classified as) a "Strong Black Woman" doesn't necessarily mean everyone under that category will fall for the same man. Does the heart have no part to play any longer in choosing a partner? I believe that a girl has got to have her standards and to settle for anything less than the best will lead to disappointment. Maybe it's the Disney movies in me talking, but I believe that there is someone out there for everyone, and that good things come to those who wait. And as we grow older and wiser, we come to realize that what we used to think was so direly necessary is no longer the case, or that characteristics that we used to place no emphasis on are now of utmost importance. So to all the women out there, strong, weak, or otherwise, my encouragement to you is to be patient and positive because the whole world is out there and out of the six billion some people at least one will be on board with any of your requirements.
Gerald Law
ReplyDeleteChasing after the 'wrong man' would imply that you know what is right for you. I don't think women necessarily go chasing after a man who doesn't meet their criteria. I've heard many African-American women list from A-Z what they want in their man and I don't really see many women chasing men in general (especially those of us who aren't atheletes or financially dominant in our communities). Women settle for these 'bad men' when they choose to and what happens then is only in the control of the participants of the relationship.
Stephen Yanes
ReplyDeleteI dont feel that strong black women necessarily choose the wrong mates although it might seem that way according the novels we have been reading in class. In a real life situation people will do what they want to do when it comes to relationships. Sopme men are cheaters but the same goes for women. Men aren't the only people that cheat on the significant others and sometimes they may not even realize they are cheating because they may not know what their girlfirend considers to be cheating.
I also feel that if a woman really wants a guy she would go to any lengths to have that guy be her one and only and learn to accept that man even through his faults instead of making him jump through all sorts of hoops in order to prove himself worthy.
DeShanta Wade
ReplyDeleteI don’t believe the chase after the wrong men, they just fall for the wrong ones. Then when a good one comes along they don’t know how to appreciate what they have to offer. For example, you have to choose between dating drug dealer or a bus driver. The drug dealer gives you everything you want and need financially. Yet this bus driver approaches you with the utmost respect and you know which one you going to choose. The drug dealer because you think he can give you everything you need to survive in life. But explain to me how you are going to raise your children when he goes to prison or end up dead. Don’t look for the bus driver now because he is long gone with a female that will not dog him out or make him feel unworthy of her because he is that bus driver. Another example would be relationships. Don’t try to call a man out because he does not want to commit to you. Maybe it is you that is the problem and not him. Have you ever though that your life and stories may be boring to him that’s why he leaving you and committing to someone else. That’s all you; you don’t make yourself more interesting in his life. Not saying you should try hella hard, but you should at least try to put in some effort so he will wake up and say, “Good morning baby, I was dreaming about you and now it’s like a dream come true because I woke up next to you.” Cheesy I know but you understand where I’m coming from. Some guy attention span is not that long, so try keeping it.
Vanessa White
ReplyDeleteI don’t believe all type of strong black women chase the wrong men. I believe that yes there are certain woman who see a bad man and feel the need to help them out. That nurture capability comes through. There are also, as we discussed in class those men who don’t come off as bad when you first meet the but then you get so far into the relationship it’s hard to stay away from them. I agree though that if there are red flags then we should take warning but sometimes emotions come before logic and it’s hard to think smart. Also to answer the other question we discussed I don’t approve or stay with people that are unfaithful. I feel that if one is in a committed relationship, and the person I’m with cheats on me then obviously they were as committed as out thought.
Hannah Bryan
ReplyDeleteI certainly agree with much that was mentioned in class, as far as why women chase "bad" men.
To clarify my point in class, I said the one thing that gets my blood boiling is when a man says to a woman, "I'll break you." It means that he would break her down mentally, psychologically, and emotionally, as well as physically. He would literally make her like a slave or a tool for himself. Cheating and lies are terrible and would also get me mad, but this type of abuse is the worst for me.
As far as the last thing we went over: I think that if you're not in a relationship, then don't behave as though you are. Yes, people should not assume anything from a person. That's one thing my dad taught me--never assume! However, neither the guy nor the girl should lead the other on and cause him/her to believe a potential lie. I think BOTH parties need to be clear, not just one. And don't push the boundaries. Like I said before, do not act as you're in a relationship when you're not. That way, things are plain and simple for everybody; there is no heartbreak or confusion where it could have been easily avoided.
A relationship takes a lot of work. No too people are the same, so there will always be compromise on both parties. Just don't take unnecessary risks and pain is less likely.
Abigail Remillard
ReplyDeleteI believe that this stereotype is incorrect. This should not be just put upon black women just because they have made some naïve mistakes, been too trusting or giving, or simply have had bad luck. In the Waiting To Exhale, the women have been extremely picky, or have tried to put the good first and themselves second. They were lied to, cheated on, led on, and stepped on. I feel like the women are being judged for something that was clearly the man’s fault.
There is a breaking point when enough is enough, and Robbin shows us this when she comes home from their nice weekend to have her car top slashed. The men in this book have proven to be cowards, rude, jerks, or not men at all (men up to page 115). All of the situations should be read and learned from. We are all young and no one deserves to be treated this way, including men.
I believe in giving people chances, and when bending over back words becomes a habit then something needs to change. But since when does it sound uncommon for someone to put their emotions first and logical thinking second. This has been the case for centuries, and will continue to always be. Women go after what they want and if they can justify keeping you around longer by acting upon feelings then in the end the crash towards reality will be harder than expected.
Melissa Dutra
ReplyDeleteWomen are always chasing guys that are not good for them. Men do the same thing. It seems like the "bad" man or woman is the one that is most attractive out of the rest. Most of the time, it never works out, and your the one who gets hurt. Thats why people need to stop getting with the "bad" girl/guy. People need to "Listen" to what people say, because nine times out of ten, they will tell you what kind of person they are. For example, if a guy says that they like dating different women all at once, doesn't want commitment, children, marriage, than don't think you (women/or in the case of men) can change them. You have to move on if these don't go well with your plan for yourself. I believe in the saying of "kissing alot of toads before you get to your prince, or princess!" Sometimes you have to experence people that are not right for you to know what you want and what you don't want so when the right person comes along, you'll know their the "one". :)
Cameron Leonard
ReplyDeleteI do think that women sometimes chase the wrong men and some of that reason is because you never really know what you are going to get out of men. And if that man is the right one for that woman. Sometimes women only talk to guys if they have ABC. and not knowing that just because they might have some of the qualities he's not made for that woman. But everyone has talked to someone that didnt fit them as they hope too. If everybody got somebody that was exactly as they wanted it would take the fun out of dating and experiencing new people and new things. How would we learn what we wanted unless we had a few bad turns here and there.
I do think that black women chase the wrong men. Black women neglect to see the red flags that are presented to them when they are in a relationship. Part of the reason for this is that black women have a motherly instinct where they always want to change a person. For example, if we travel back to high school for a minute who would most girls be more inclined to date: the nerdy president of mathematics club or the angry football quarterback? Probably, the angry quarter back because as was stated in class no women want a soft man. Why? Because woman typically go for the bad boys who are a little rough around the edges. Robin in Waiting to Exhale was just plain stupid for not seeing the signs and leaving Russel in the beginning. When they met he was still living with his girlfriend and Robin remained in relationship with him.
ReplyDeleteKandis Hankerson
ReplyDeleteI would not say strong black women but many women in general chase after the wrong type of men. Most is because of insecurity issues I feel like because they might feel that they need a man to be happy. Even in situations where the man just uses them. I guess it is just the fact that they have someone to call their own. It is sad though because you would think women will realize when they are getting played, but I guess not. An after the discussion today in class, I feel that many women are just downright stupid. Like why would you be with someone, knowing that they are talking to you and someone else? Now that is just downright dumb and it is sad because the newer generation is saying this, so I feel that this nonsense will never end. I just wish women will realize that they do not need a man to be happy and that they can do bad all by themselves.
Kurtis Nelson
ReplyDeleteGiven that I am a male it is hard for me to judge the quality of men a demographic of women choose. I know that looking at the big picture a lot of women are let down by the men they decide to spend, or try to spend, their life with. I believe the opposite is true also, that men find themselves with women that can end up being untrustworthy, unfaithful, and sometimes abusive as well. The latter example is more a common problem women have, where they are the victim, but the the first two examples are seen amongst women and men. That said, I believe men might cheat more with women that don't matter to them, but a woman is likely to cheat as well with maybe only one man at a time. For this case it would most likely be directly tied to her boyfriend or husband not giving her the emotional or financial support (maybe due to his infidelity) that a “new” man may offer. It is in all human nature to want the most and best for oneself, but why don't people break up before cheating or just stay single? I believe this gets at the physiological differences between men and women. Because a women can get pregnant their physiological make-up is one that causes the subconscious realization that having sex can lead to pregnancy. Many things go along with pregnancy, many of which extend beyond the birth and that include everything that goes into raising a child. Because of this women have evolved and have become predisposed to care more about who they have sex with, as to choose someone that will help with the child raising. Men on the other hand have had no reason to evolve a similar mentality. There are no consequences to getting women pregnant because if they can disappear then they're off the hook. So considering this, it should be of no surprise to women of any race, ethnicity, or nationality that all men are going to try and convince you they are the “type” you want so they can continue on their quest to spread their seed, reproduce, and keep their lineage going.
I don't think that black women chase after the wrong men. I do think that there is a gray area where two people who have been seeing each other don't communicate and the woman begins to think they are in a relationship when the man doesn't. When the topic is finally brought up and the man still does not want to commit then we automatically assume he is no good. When in reality one is not in a relationship until it is formally established between the two. And I don't just think it is black women, but all women. We need to begin to understand the difference between kicking it with someone and being in a relationship with someone. And it needs to be established in the beginning. Like Ms. Hudson told us at the beginning of the semester, "I tell you what it is upfront so you won't stick out back later"
ReplyDeleteKristin Salter
ReplyDeleteI don't think that black women chase after the wrong men. I do think that there is a gray area where two people who have been seeing each other don't communicate and the woman begins to think they are in a relationship when the man doesn't. When the topic is finally brought up and the man still does not want to commit then we automatically assume he is no good. When in reality one is not in a relationship until it is formally established between the two. And I don't just think it is black women, but all women. We need to begin to understand the difference between kicking it with someone and being in a relationship with someone. And it needs to be established in the beginning. Like Ms. Hudson told us at the beginning of the semester, "I tell you what it is upfront so you won't stick out back later"
LaQuanda Smith
ReplyDeleteI don't think that the SBW goes after the wrong kind of man. What is the wrong kind of man? Most women go after men because they feel that they need a man around to be happy. Men will only do to a woman what she allows him to do to her.
Laquinnesha Thompson
ReplyDeleteI highly doubt that black women are "chasing" the wrong men. I feel that even if you were to find yourself dating the wrong man, that he probably had flaws that you didnt discover until you were in to deep. As we discussed in class you dont TRULY get to know someone until after 9 months of casual dating. I believe that black women man be attracted to a certain type of man and the men that attract them may not be fit for them. Taking the extra months to really learn someone may be the only way to avoid falling for someone that just isn't for you.
Aside knowing the flaws of your partner and still pursuing them is not necessarily a bad thing, sometimes you can convince them to change their way but in most cases dating involves sacrifices, its up to the individual to decide whether or not the risk are worth the benfits.